Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome to Navigating News. We are Terry and Catherine to necessarily calm-informed moms for our own journeys who are inspired to become conscious parenting coaches. We are here to share ongoing learning insights in the hope of bringing some new perspectives and clarity for parents who might be on similar paths. We hope you'll join us. So, Terry, welcome. I'm so excited that we get to talk about some of your work and a resource that's very important for a lot of parents that are struggling with their kids, particularly ones that are struggling with their mental health and depression and some of the scarier things that can happen. And so we're just going to talk a little bit about how it developed and what your inspiration was, what you're drawing from, and how it's

Introducing The SAFE Framework

SPEAKER_00 1:05

been useful to use some of these practices.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Okay. I'm excited for this. It's uh it's great to be able to talk about it. So thank you for bringing it.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

So, what we're talking about is the resource that Terry developed just called Safe.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:19

And Kerry, I'd love for you to just talk a little bit about what it is to start.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

Yeah, of course. So Safe, I created because I was the parent that was desperately searching for something to hold on to when I felt like I was drowning, I felt like my kid was drowning, everything was too much. Safe is for in those moments of panic. And they really were in the moment experiences. So my child might have been hurting herself, my child might have been expressing to me that she didn't want to be here, and she actually had a plan as to how she was gonna leave this planet. And my nervous system immediately came into play, and I had a freeze response. And SAFE is an acronym, it's S A F E. S is safety check. A was originally a rise, but I'm now playing with the word anchor instead. And then F is feel, don't fix, and E is exhale. Now they might just sound like words at the moment, but what I was finding was when my child was having these moments and these experiences, and my nervous system was in fight flight freeze. I did not know what my next move was supposed to be. And I almost needed somebody to put under my nose a checklist. Okay, tick this box. And so that's what safe became. I created it because I needed it, and I I still use it regularly and often. And safety check is as simple as if I'm sat in front of my child and she's either uh hurting herself, about to hurt herself in one form or another, I can just check in this moment. What is it that I need to do to make sure that my child is safe, that I am safe, that the environment is safe?

SPEAKER_00 3:23

I think when there's this idea of suicidality in our kids, as you say, maybe contemplating or maybe at risk of doing themselves harm. How do parents normally react? I know in my case or in other moms that I've friends or that I've worked with, you know, the first thing they do is complete panic. Yeah. So what is your experience around that? Like what it normally happens when our kids are in this situation.

SPEAKER_02 3:50

Yeah, what I really want to be clear about, what's safe isn't, is safe isn't a bypassing situation. If there's something immediate happening in the household, you do something immediate, right? You react immediately and you call emergency services. You do whatever it takes and you discern in those moments. In the free safe handbook is uh a whole section dedicated to safety check. It might be a matter of discerning what to do in the moment that your child is about to harm themselves, it might

S Is Safety Check First

SPEAKER_02 4:20

be about putting away medications, it might be about calling services, it might be about getting yourself some help for your own emotional regulation. I think the point is we discern, but this is about taking care of your own nervous system so that in those moments you are also able to come alongside yourself as well as your child. And in those moments, when you can do that, you can also come to a place of calm and be able to take action which is very instinctive and direct and immediate. So if you need a call for help, you do it.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Yeah, that's great. I think that there's nothing out there that we parents have as a resource that can show us a way that we actually can empower ourselves or develop the tools or the composure or the regulation to actually be, as you're saying, the anchor or the resource that your child needs, that there is actually a role for you to play. And yes, there may be roles for experts, and all of this, of course, may need to come into play, but that you as a parent have a really important role to play in supporting your child. And I think that this is the piece that no one tells us or no one really talks about in this sort of crisis, especially, you know?

SPEAKER_02 5:48

Yeah, absolutely. And obviously, I have got out gone out and got a lot of training in recent years to be able to write about this stuff. But safe was actually born from utter helplessness, um, no expertise. You know, there was panic, there was terror, my nervous system was collapsed, and I had to discover in the worst possible way that control was not the thing that was going to heal that relationship, right? So I recognized through the work that the state of my nervous system actually changes everything else. I became the thermostat in the room that my child was coming alongside and co-regulating with. Then I could bring some achievement and I could bring presence and steadiness because a calm, attuned adult is the one thing that our young person needs in that moment. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:46

And I think that sometimes this is obviously very important when you're in a childhood crisis, but in all of our parenting, right? We often think that it's the words that we say or it's the resources that we provide, but it's actually our own regulation because that's energetically they can sense that. And when we're calm and we're able to tap into our wisdom, you know, we're modeling that for them. And they're able, as you said, to tap into that with their own nervous system. And I was thinking too, that particularly in crisis when they're in our in a really dark place, and if they see you dysregulated and panicking, and then they also feel like it's true, like I there is no way out of this. Even my parent can't be calm. My parent doesn't believe that there's a way out of this, and so it just makes them worse. It makes it worse for them.

SPEAKER_02 7:43

I love that you've brought that because I mean there is just one key question, really, um, that I think sums up the whole of SAFE, which is can we remain connected while we still take action? You know, because we can do all of the things, whether it's calling emergency services or whether it's something else, you know, really practical or physical in the moment. There are so many different situations it could play out. But can we remain connected while they're playing out? What does that look like? And that's what SAFE explores, but it's also immediate. It's also immediate. So I'm really focused on, and what helped me the most was just returning parents to their own inner voice, to their own inner wisdom, trusting their intuition, their attunement, which was a word that I came to learn through conscious parenting. It took me a long time to actually figure out what it just means is coming alongside and listening and noticing rather than assuming and projecting what I think is going on to my child. And also the reason I went for a rise as a word in the beginning, I've moved to anchor, but I went for a rise because it was that idea that a parent can step up and really trust that empowerment and you're empowering themselves to be the most important person in the room. You know your child better than anyone else. That's just a fact.

SPEAKER_00 9:12

Kerry, you know, I'd love for you to just talk us through the four uh stages, if you wouldn't mind.

SPEAKER_02 9:20

Yeah, of course I will. There is a free handbook which I'd love for people to just download and take a look at and have for themselves. I used it very recently and I and I I paused in a situation and I did the safety check. And the safety check for me was okay, I've just been told a thing, I've just learned some information. S. Safety check. Is everybody safe? Is my child safe? Am I safe? Everybody at home safe? Is there anything I need to do in this moment to actually, from a practical standpoint, allow my nervous system to stand down because nobody's in any immediate danger? We could very expanded version of that in the guidebook, which gives you an opportunity to have your safety plans and actually write out who are your trusted people, what is your pathway, and really consider. There's some key questions in there to really consider your flow in these moments so that you can prepare in advance. But just if you take that idea in those moments, very often we can escalate panic, but if we can just take a breath and just consider is everybody safe? Because only when we know that there's physical safety are we going to be able to breathe and move on to a yeah, I I love that.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Because when our kids are struggling or when they're in crisis, we're unable to be present because we're in fear. Yes, you know, it's fight or flight, freeze, yeah, and the opposite of safety, right? And so our mind is going into the future, we're thinking of the worst case scenarios, and so creating safety first and realizing actually in this moment, everyone is safe is so important. It's so, so, so important. So I love that.

A Is Arise Or Anchor

SPEAKER_02 11:10

Yeah, and what was reflected back to me once or twice early on was um, you know, my child is actually witnessing my experience, you know, they're having their own, and they might not be directly looking at me. You might not think that you're affecting the atmosphere in the room or the temperature in the room. Um, but just for them to experience my anxiety is giving my child an idea that there's something wrong with them and that mum can't handle it.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

So that's S safe. Could you go on next with A, please? A was Arise.

SPEAKER_02 11:43

Uh, I still like Arise, but it's also anger. It's a little easier to digest, I think. Um, but basically, a rise, you know, is always step up, allow yourself to become prominent, allow yourself to take center stage because you are so important, you matter more than anything else in this moment. How you show up is regulating everything else. You are literally the thermometer in the rooms, you're setting the temperature for everybody else, you're setting the scene, and trust, please trust that you know your child better than anybody else. And that you do have all of the answers inside of you. You're not going to find them all on the outside, and that is empowering in itself. And if you can really become that and sit in that sense of yourself and knowing that, okay, I might not know what to do in the immediate moment, but I've got this. I am the person to hold this. That's so powerful. And Anchor does the same thing. Stay where you are, stay where you are and hold your ground.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

I think that's so so important because straight through our instinct and trusting our instinct as mothers is so crucial. And I think we've lost a lot of that because so much has been outsourced and we've been told the professionals know better. And in some cases, you know, you do need to seek professional support, and they do have perspectives and answers that you may not be able to see. But really making sure that you're leading with that instinct. I love that. I love anger because I I sense that that's so grounded. Like that's that's your stability, is the is the earth, is the ground. But I'd love to know what kind of practices are because it's easy to say, but I think hard to do in those moments.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

Yeah, well, it always begins with the conscious pause, right? So in those moments where you've already checked that there's no immediate harm in the way, to actually take a breath and just acknowledge yourself. I think to root yourself, to ground yourself, to feel the ground beneath your feet, to sit up tall. If you get the opportunity to stand up, hold your head up high, you know, that posture. If you even if you can't do it, even if you sat in the ground with your child, you can still do it, you can strengthen your spine and you can hold yourself. Hold yourself, lift your head up, and just go, okay, I've got this.

SPEAKER_00 14:07

It's funny when I when I do that, I mean it really shifts, you feel stronger. Yeah. You know, it's very empowering to have that and to to lift your head up as opposed to like when we're really this constricted pose that we often get into, you know, when we're afraid, right?

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

And you're shutting down, you know, and your heart is closed too.

unknown 14:30

Right.

SPEAKER_02 14:31

We're defended, we don't think that we can hold it. Yeah. I mean, that that doesn't need to be spoken. You just put your shoulders back, you sit up to all, and you take a moment. I am here, I am empowered, you know.

SPEAKER_00 14:45

Because otherwise, if we don't do this, the focus is in the mind, and it's oh my god, how do I fix? Start get on the computer and try and find numbers rather than where you need to be, which is the presence with your child, right? Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

And I'm very aware there are going to be some people listening to this and saying, Hey, I thought we were gonna be talking about what to do with our kids. Right. I mean, that too, right? Then this is not dismissive, that there isn't something under your nose that you need to attend to. And that's what I mean. This isn't passive, this isn't bypassing, and that's so important. And I write about that in the handbooks, but often the greatest shifts occur when a parent like you, me, we stop abandoning ourselves in the midst of the crisis. Because the minute we go, we we go along with the flow of the crisis, we're not standing tall anymore. If you can witness it, then it's amazing what can come through in from that calm, that calm place. These crises, they can become a portal sometimes, you know. This isn't about romanticizing suffering at all or bypassing any pain, but it's actually giving us an opportunity to really learn some stuff and get to know our young person from a place of equanimity.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yeah, I absolutely agree. I think no one would consciously choose this for their family, you know, and I can say the same for a lot of things that have happened with our family, and I know you as well. But I think I always come back to what is the learning in this for me? Yeah. And I sit with that question. I put my hand over my heart, and sometimes the things that come, it's really remarkable, like the insights into your child, the insights into the dynamics of what are some of these underlying causes, insights specifically into what's needed.

SPEAKER_02 16:36

Many times these kind of crises that have occurred, we've managed to break through some old patterns that we weren't even aware of, and then they've gone. And then things have shifted and changed. This doesn't all just become about dealing with the crisis in the moment. It's actually making huge shifts in our dynamic and relationships going forward.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

In a crisis, I think, you know, this is not going to be front and center, but I think being open and curious about how your life evolves because of these situations, because of these crises, because of these struggles.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

Yeah, I mean, on navigating the abyss, you know, you came up with that about, you know, parenting is alchemy. It is true. We learn so many things and we transform along the way. Again, not dismissing suffering in any way, shape, or form or romanticizing it, but it there is something about crisis being an invitation for growth too. We wouldn't choose it this way.

SPEAKER_00 17:30

Yes, we wouldn't choose it, and often there's resistance.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

To what's happening, resistance, you know, why is this happening to me? I've got to make this can't, you know, you're resisting the isiness of the situation at hand. And I think if you can let go a little bit and just yes, it's difficult, yes, but it's it is just what's happening. Yeah. There will be and be open to it's happened to me many times, and I know it's happened to you, that there are gifts even in this. Yes. That you can't that you won't know maybe until you're 90 years old looking back on your life. And everyone will tell you that that has been through this, as with the years past, that there is, you know, so um in the moments of crisis, there's an immediacy, you know.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

So we have to do the safety check. We have to just make sure that we are the thermostat in the room when we step up, we do anger ourselves. And I think, you know, that's so that's so

Crisis As A Portal For Growth

SPEAKER_02 18:30

true. There are so many things to learn as we go along. Um we can't necessarily experience those in the moment of the emergency, but you know, the F is feel, don't fix. And it was interesting, somebody asked me about whether I'd shorten that the other day, and I thought it was a really great question. Should I just shorten it to feel? Um, but I don't can't I can't quite bring myself to do that because you know, just in like what you were saying earlier about how we bring control, you know, to actually flip that on its head and follow on from anchor where you're literally rooting yourself, you're sitting up straight, and you get into feel, don't fix, and you think, okay, feel. Oh, okay, remember, feel like because my instinct was always, oh my god, you know, who can help me? What do I need to do? What would the experts say? What is my child needing? Who's going to be able to help us? You know, and the panic, the sheer panic that meant that I was putting out into the world my my power, expecting somebody to come back and make it all better. But what if there wasn't anything to fix? Because now this is now that's hard, right? In this moment where your kid is in front of you and they're hurting and it's all so terrible. What if there wasn't anything to fix? If if we were able to sit in front of our young person and just breathe and feel with them, reflect back to them what you're understanding and ask them in if that's true. I can see you're really in a low mood right now. You know, I can see that. I can see that about you. You know, that that's really hard. I'm here, I'm here with you, but also not not um not by passing yourself. What am I feeling right now as well?

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yeah, and I think I just you know, I love that it's feel, not fix, because I think that is so front and center when we're obviously in crisis and fear is leading the way. And so reminding ourselves, and I also think though, interestingly, it's the feeling that will bring, I won't use the word fix, but will bring the possibilities and the solutions around what it means to support in a company. And I

F Is Feel Don’t Fix

SPEAKER_00 20:55

and I think that what what I've seen too is with my daughter is that in its you know it's around possibility, but when you when you're feeling and you're allowing yourself to be creative and to be open to possibilities, all sorts of all different lenses and alternative perspectives are available to you. Yeah, that they're not what you're desperate trying to fix using the same with the same tools and the same perspectives that you brought from the past.

SPEAKER_02 21:27

Yeah, it's that pause again. That pause that lets the light in a little bit, you know, if we can just breathe a little bit in the moment and just you know, notice that we've got some charge, some reactivity, some some places we want to go. And I go back specifically to when my daughter was about 12 and she would come home and she was just desperately upset and unhappy. And it was heartbreaking to watch, which was interesting because my heart was breaking, but it was her that was going through it, right? So as I'm witnessing her going through it. My heart's breaking so much to see her in so much pain that I'm trying to think, okay, what can I do to stop her being so upset? You know, and it's like so, so contradictory because she is having an incredibly healthy response to something. She is upset and she's expressing her upset. And she might be crying, she might be kicking, she might be screaming, and all I want is for it to stop. So, what if I am able to just take a breath, acknowledge for a moment, recognize that this is not mine, but that I can be a safe container, but she's just having an experience and there's nothing wrong here. We can go right back to safe, you know, is everybody safe in this moment? Am I able to just come alongside?

SPEAKER_00 22:46

Yeah, and I think I mean that's so important for parenting, even not in crisis, is that I think everyone can relate to that, right? When your child comes up from school and they're miserable, and then the first thing you try and do is fix and point out the positive things in their life and all the good things that they have and why they actually are wrong for feeling that way, right? Instead of, as you're saying, just making space and being there and emphasizing and bringing this, and again, it's this is energetic in this belief that they will be able to figure it out, that they will, that they have the resources in themselves, that they can trust themselves and they will find the light instead of oh my gosh, you you can't you, you're not gonna figure this out. You I need to jump in, I need to help you fix this because you don't have the resources to do that, which is so disempowering.

SPEAKER_02 23:36

It is disempowering. And also I had to acknowledge that this was triggering for me. And as long as something's triggering for me, then that's about me. That's nothing to do with her. Yeah, it was all mine and mine to sit with. And I had to come to understand her. I really believed that it was okay for her to express her feelings, but I just couldn't be there. I couldn't, I couldn't hold it. So I was like, okay, let me find you something to break or smash, let me find you somebody that you could get, let me get you a coach. Let me here's a good way. Why don't you just write it all down? And why don't you punch this punch bag? And why don't you the poor kid? She just needed to just carry on doing what she was doing. And she's she's told me many times since if you could have just stayed with me while I had my experience, that's all I needed. So feel then fix was a huge, huge one for me. Every one of these steps I feel is super pertinent and important, honestly, and powerful. Um but my child finally felt like she was understood and seen and heard when I just stayed and I zipped it.

SPEAKER_00 24:40

Yeah, all they really need to feel in those moments is that there's someone there that loves them and cares them and can see them.

SPEAKER_02 24:45

Yeah. Right. I was gonna say, what does emotional safety actually look like for a child? One of the things that my daughter would say, and I know she doesn't mind me saying this when she was younger, she'd say, I don't feel safe at home. Yeah, you can imagine your child goes to social services or whatever, it's just I don't feel safe at home. And as a parent, you're like, Oh my god, you know, what are we doing? How? She's not emotionally safe. It was a language that she learned, which made perfect sense. She didn't feel safe to express herself. If she was expressing herself, it was upsetting other people. And that's a that was a huge for her to have an experience of emotional safety. I had to imagine myself in her seat and see me coming. So I wonder that's a meditation that I offer is for people to sit in their child's seat and get an idea of seeing you coming and what is your experience of you coming towards you that shifted everything.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Yeah. Yeah, I think you know, so many of our kids that are struggling are extremely sensitive. Yeah. Right. A lot of moms I work with, like the profiles of the kids are also very similar when they talk about how they were when they were young and as they entered into early adolescence. And a lot of big feelings, right? And the parents are so uncomfortable with that. Right. They're so uncomfortable with it. And so, as you're saying, they don't feel safe to express themselves. They feel like there's something wrong with them because they can see their parents freaking out and not knowing how to deal with it. And so, and on top of it, they're not only dealing with that, they're dealing with understanding that they think that they're causing their parents to suffer. Right. And so they're carrying that as well, which is not theirs to carry, but that even if they don't say it, that's what happens.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

So, yes.

SPEAKER_02 26:36

Absolutely. I mean, I've I spent a long time being um the archetypal worried parent, you know, and all that meant was that my child was receiving, you know, it sounds like I was being very caring and doting and you know, wanting to make sure she was okay, but all she was experiencing with me was just like, God, you really think I need all the help? You really think I can't do this, you know? It's like so we think we might be being kind and loving, and there's just so many subtleties to that that you know, we can we can look at Gabor Mate and his son Daniel Mate doing some fantastic work around that, you know, really just giving archetypes to parents. I was definitely the worried parent, but there's a number of different ones, you know. We've got the guilty parent, we've got people please a parent, we've got you know, and yeah, and we're often a combination of those, right? We are, of course we are. We're only human, and this isn't about blame, you know, and let's be kind to ourselves. And actually, one of the things I wanted to talk about a little bit when I say feel, don't fix, coming home to yourself in that moment. Your child's having an experience and you're allowing them to express. But how how about you? This isn't about you coming in and having an opportunity to offload to your child, but sometimes, you know, to be able to express to your child, I can see that you're going through a lot, you know, and I'm here for you, and I can handle it, I can handle it, but you you're allowed to say how you feel too.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

You know, you might that you say that you're scared that you're because

Emotional Safety And Parent Triggers

SPEAKER_00 28:10

they they know it. They've already read you. And if you don't, yeah, so you need to, it's about transparency, and I think that transparency and honesty creates connection too.

SPEAKER_02 28:20

A hundred percent it does, yeah. And actually being really transparent because our kids see right through us, they read our energy before they hear our words. Yeah, yeah. So I'd love to hear about E. Yeah. So E is exactly what it says on the tin, right? So the E is for exhale, but it's pulling the whole thing together and creating some space around all of it. So if you can imagine we've come into safe in what we've deemed a crisis situation where everybody's on high alert and there might be a lot of hypervigilance, you know, your your kid might be, you know, really having a difficult time. And you've checked whether you're safe, everybody's safe in that moment. You've you've arisen, you've empowered yourself, you've anchored yourself, and and you've got in touch with your feelings and your child's feelings in this moment. And how about if you could just stay there and just take a breath? Come alongside them. Because really all my child ever needed me to do was just sit nearby. You know, maybe you take care of you in this moment, and maybe you just have a moment to breathe and acknowledge what you've just taken yourself into.

SPEAKER_00 29:38

So I have a question for you, Terry. I'm I'm wondering you talked a little about this already, but how you responded before when your daughter was in a dark place, and then kind of what happened because of that response, how it contributed to you know how she was managing. And then using Safe, what shifts have you seen?

SPEAKER_02 30:04

Yeah, okay. So I um I'll try and I'll try and do this in the way that you've asked that we see. Well, yeah, I mean, I've been working with SAFE now for a few years, and I mean I had an experience fairly recently where somebody I love very dearly had an experience of being able to share with me that they felt that they couldn't be here anymore, that it was too difficult, and and that they had a plan. The first question I was able to ask because I have the suicide attention training, and one of the first questions that we can ask in full transparency is do you have a plan? Do you have a plan to leave the planet? You know, do you have a plan to commit suicide? And they said to me, Yes, I do, but I don't want to tell you what it is. That's okay. I said, That's thank you for sharing that. So I did the safety check, first of all, S. Where are we? Is there anything literally in this moment in the next five minutes that could possibly happen that's going to be dangerous? And because the panic rises, we can't, no matter how long I do this work, the panic's still gonna rise. It's there's still a sense of like, okay, this is serious, okay, what do I have to do in this moment? So check for safety. I was able to do that, and I was able to ask that question to establish, you know, whether they felt safe in that moment. And I asked, Do you feel safe right now? And they were able to answer, Yeah, I feel safe in this moment. So then I just sat with myself and I wasn't afraid anymore, like I used to be, to sit in the silence. This is a young person that's having their own experience, and so I just sort of leaned back and in the seat that I was in, I had a little stretch and took a couple of breaths and very naturally, you know, was able to just empower myself and remember I matter right now. How I show up in this moment matters to this young person because they're looking to me to regulate themselves. Because right now they're they're scared, they're sharing something really scary. And so obviously, that wasn't something I communicated, you know, verbally, but energetically, I was sitting sitting up. I felt strong. I wasn't towering over them, I was still at the same height as them, you know. I we were in the same same zone. There was no hierarchy in this situation. It was just relaxed, but I was straight and I was confident. And then I got into the feelings, and and I was I asked, How are you feeling? Right now. Their answer was, I don't know. And so I sat with that and I made that okay. And I asked myself internally the same question, how am I feeling? As Tender was part of me who's oh, maybe I'm a little bit shaky, but I'm okay, I've got this, okay. Just checking in with myself. And so we carried on a little bit. As I sat there a little bit longer, I was able to ask, is there anything else you'd want me to know? And we got into a dialogue, and it was very natural and very easy. And they could see in me that I wasn't afraid of what it was that they were bringing, and so they were able to talk some more about it. And obviously, the exhale formed part of that whole relaxation, you know, and the the feel, and I had no intention of fixing anything, and it was just a remember, remembering, don't fix, there's nothing broken, but feel together and talk about the feelings. We had a huge conversation, and she was able to share a great deal with me. And eventually there was an agreement. Um, and I said, You you know, I don't know if you'll be able to keep to this agreement, but would it be a possibility that if you ever felt like you needed to take action, that you might be able to talk to me first? And they said, Yeah, yeah, I think that's that's what I would do. And I said, And if I'm not around, who else? And we said and we began to form a safety plan. Then that's a whole other story, but the point is there was safety in the mix. They still didn't tell me what their plan was, and that was okay. They went to see their doctor and they got extra help, and they ended up forming that and talking about all of that, and that became an open conversation, and it became a possibility to just talk about it rather than them have to harbour all of those feelings and act in silence. And you know, this person had a few years ago actually made an attempt on their life, and that at that point they didn't talk to anybody, and fortunately they were unsuccessful in

E Is Exhale And A Real Story

SPEAKER_02 34:40

that this time around, they felt safe enough to actually say something. So that was one example of the safety that it brings, and how the word safe just gets used over and over and over again because when any one of us feels safe enough to not be ashamed of anything that is coming through us, you know, there's so much possibility.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

That's so powerful, Terry. Thank you for sharing that. And I know that's it's difficult. We know that you've done a lot of this work and that you've found a way to handle this, but it is the hardest thing that a parent can face.

SPEAKER_02 35:19

We can go beyond that and into the work. I mean, the work does go deeper beyond SAFE, which is the something that I just want everybody to have access to. What's ours and what's not ours, you know, acknowledging that actually the story is going to unfold how the story is going to unfold. But what if we could just come alongside and then just uh yeah, just be the best version of ourselves we can be for that person?

SPEAKER_00 35:43

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I think what I'm wanting to underline is very clearly is that in doing this, in showing up for a young person this way, and in making it safe for them to bring you something that would send most parents into spiraling, you create the greatest possibility for her to have a life.

SPEAKER_02 36:17

Right.

SPEAKER_00 36:18

Or for so if we can learn to do this, we I really believe we create the greatest possibility for our children to have safety and to build a life because they can then bring to bring to us the things that they do need to talk about, which are often so difficult for us to to hear and to handle. But with these tools, we can we can learn to do this. We can learn to do this, and then we can walk by their side, you know, and not be off.

SPEAKER_02 36:49

I know sometimes that you know we see our kids and they're we they might be doing an abundance of things, you know. I know you've had your experiences with in, you know, as a mom, and and other people will be sitting there going, yeah, but my kid does this, or my kid will, you know, be cutting, or my kid will be doing whatever. And you know, the the end of the day though, the story is the same, it's what lies beneath in terms of connection. Can we come? We can come alongside anything if we just prioritize that connection. And I know it's hard, no one's saying it's easy, but just to really come come alongside one another because it really is hard. No one's saying that it isn't, and at the same time, that connection forms from a place of love, taking tenderness, taking care of ourselves, taking care of the space around us, taking care of the energy between us and our young people, and making sure that we're not falling into stories and panic, but finding some you know, windows of space and possibility that are always present, always present.

SPEAKER_00 37:56

I just want to thank you for putting this together, Terry. I think it's an incredible resource, and I love that you've you know, you're you're acknowledging the the reality of the situation and the risk, and they need to take action to ensure that your child is immediately safe and and at the same time that you have this very important component, which is working on our own regulation and our own energy so that we can be what our children need in those moments. Yeah. And the two are not mutually exclusive, right? So there's just nothing out there like that. And I think we need to get this to as many people as we can who are in the situation, and we know that there's increasingly more and more children and young people that are at risk. Yeah. We know the statistics, right? So this is an incredibly valuable resource. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02 38:52

You're so welcome. I mean, this is just it's nervous system regulation. That's what safe is, and it's restoring in families, it's just restoring calm and connection, and that's what it's all about. But it's also in the moment, in crisis, it's like S-A-F-E.

SPEAKER_00 39:06

If you've got that and you can hold it in your head, I think the difference in what you're doing is that you're you're creating permission, and more than that, the necessity for this work to be part of a strategy for keeping our kids from doing significant harm to themselves.

unknown 39:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:27

Whereas before it was call this number, come do this, do this. Where this is is a very different approach, and I think extremely powerful and important.

SPEAKER_02 39:34

It brings it home and it makes you realize that you have more power than you can ever imagine that you have in these situations as a parent. Really, nobody else can do this job as well as you can, and it isn't so hard because it's about being kind to yourself as well. You know, it's not it's actually way easier.

Free Download And Closing Notes

SPEAKER_02 39:55

And what led it's what started off as crisis management for me ended up being, you know, a whole new way of parenting and connection. Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 40:03

Yeah, thank you, Katherine. Thank you so much, Terry. And it was great to see you. And um, we will be back soon with some more insights and perspectives and work around parenting in crisis.

SPEAKER_02 40:18

And the link to the free download is in the show notes, so don't hesitate to download that. It's for everybody and everybody, and please share it far and wide. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 40:49

This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. We are not licensed therapists, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. See you next time.